I AM LOVE

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." — Anäïs Nin

After one traumatic day where I drank myself into a stupor and literally passed out on my bathroom floor, and a second day in which I literally sobbed, wailed and cried for hours, I knew it was time. But to do it, I had to go back. Not so far back as to re-live past traumas, only far enough for me to see a pattern. And I found it. I have spent most of my entire adult life claiming lack and limitation. There it was. The Source - Abandonment - Lack of Love.

When my Mother died, emotionally I also lost my Dad and both of my sisters.  That was my initial entry into Lack of Love. But I had rebuilt that support system and I was thriving, things were going well and then, the unthinkable, I had to move away from the system that it had taken me so long to rebuild. Since I hadn’t dealt with the initial abandonment issue, it reared its ugly head again. And that’s when it began to manifest in all of my subsequent experiences. It manifested itself as lack of Money, lack of Support, lack of Job, lack of Self-worth and lack of Faith - all stemming from the original declaration of Abandonment - the lack of Love.

I knew I had issues. I made a list. I wrote how I interpreted each one with their own singular issue of Abandonment. Each one was post-mortem of my Mother and an unresolved event in my life.  I went back.  I re-examined my part and decided that none of the situations had anything to do with me personally.  I did not leave them, they left me. I am alright. I am perfect, whole and complete. I lack for nothing. Then I finally realized…

The Universe is my Source. I know that there is no Lack.  There is no Abandonment. I know that there is only Peace and only Love. I claim Peace and Love. I know that there is no Fear, only Faith and only Joy. I claim Faith and Joy. I know that there is none other than Divine Spirit as the One Source of All. I now claim that I am One with that Source of All. 

There can only be One.

I now claim Joy, Faith, Peace, Abundance and Love in my life.

Where? Right here.

When? Right now.

And so it is.

Love gives your courage

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength;

 loving someone deeply gives you courage." 

Lao Tzu

There was a time in my life that I was sure that everybody loved me. I was supported. Everything I did and everywhere I went I felt light as a feather, confident, secure, almost arrogant. Then something changed. I had to move to an unfamiliar town with my two little baby boys. I had no friends. No family. No support. I started to fall. It wasn’t until I read this prompt that I realize what has been wrong with me all this time. I don’t feel loved. At least, not the close-up, hold me, hug me; make me feel good, kind of love.

And I can barely remember the last time I did feel that way because it’s been so long. And whom do I love?  

I love my children... 

But I don’t know anyone who makes me feel the deep-inside-makes-me-wanna-holler can’t-wait-to-jump-your-bones – kind of lust and attraction at ALL. With anyone. And I think everyone needs that – even if it’s just on birthdays and holidays…lol. I need a lover…

I Am A Mystic

I am a mystic.

I listen to your story, your struggles, your concern. I make suggestions, recommendations with compassion. I ask the questions that lead you to self-discovery. I ask the questions whose answers give you inspiration and motivation. You are ready. You are free. I feel it. I claim these experiences as being my soul’s connection.

I am a mystic.

I sit where the ocean meets the land and I become that meeting place. I marvel at the vicissitude of nature from the mountains to the grains of sand and I am a grain of sand. It is a connection that defies description. It is a feeling no words can explain. It is more than emotion. I make the connection because

I am a mystic.

I am a mystic.

I sit where the ocean meets the land and I become that meeting place. This time I am the ocean washing up on the shore, closer, closer until it is called back unto itself and I am a drop of the ocean in the ocean. It is I. The ocean and I are one. I feel the rush to the shore and the waves break, and they pull me back to where I began because I am a mystic.

I am a mystic.

At my core is the soul of a dancer; I am an artist, I am a choreographer, I am a mystic. I marvel at the mechanics of my body and I know that how it works is a blessing and a miracle.

Music makes me move.  I feel the flow, the rhythm, the cadence of it. Appreciating the grace, artistry and beauty of other dancers, feeling their movements, being with them in flight when they launch themselves into the air; the sensuality of body over body; knowing their thoughts at each moment of the movement; being ‘of it’ and ‘in it.’ I claim these experiences as being my soul’s connection.

For I am a mystic.

In my revelation that I am a mystic -

                               - all the question marks become exclamation points!